The Secret to Love That Lasts
Bring renewed attention to how you communicate with your partner.
English, Mandarin, Swahili, Quechua: the world is a whole of languages, and most of us don’t understand a single word if a person talks to us in a language we don’t speak. Communicating without a shared language is fertile ground for misunderstanding, conflict and hatred. Luckily, however, most of us speak the same language as our partner. Or do we?
Actually, in a sense, we really don’t. There are numerous languages or methods to show love, and recognising your and your partner’s primary manner of communication is a critical aspect of any effective relationship or marriage. In these summaries, you will learn about the human need for love, how love is expressed between individuals, and how to discover the language of love you speak.
In this summary, you’ll discover
how Mark’s and Andrea’s marriage was lost in translation;
why being in love only lasts for two years; why
How might a lousy Christmas gift affect discussions with your partner?
1. Love is a human need characterised by well-being. wellbeing’s one word in the English language that’s both extraordinarily vital and entirely incomprehensible; it’s the word “love.” But despite its various definitions, philosophers and religious thinkers agree that love is essential to a whole and meaningful life.
So, how should you think about love?
First, it’s crucial not to get confused by the word’s multiple definitions. Instead, you should concentrate on the form of love vital to yowellbeingalWellbeingng. Wellbeing, we use the word in countless ways – about goods like ice cream, vehicles or jewellery; to convey our thoughts about activities like jogging, trekking and dancing; and when talking about emotional connections to parents or partners – we also use it to nail down a romantic sensation.
And the most straightforward approach to defining what love means to you is to look at the sources of your emotional fulfilment. That’s because the yearning to be liked and valued is established deep in human nature. For instance, child psychologists have proven that all children have emotional needs that, if left unfulfilled, might result in emotional instability.
The most crucial ones?
Love and affection.
So, love is definitely vital, and you need a mechanism to assess it. One approach to determine whether your emotional needs are being satisfied is to pay attention to your love tank. Just like a car can’t go without gas, you can’t function without love, and if your need for love and affection isn’t appropriately supplied, you’ll wind up with an empty tank. Keeping your love tank full is a crucial component of a healthy marriage. All solid marriages require fuel.
For example, the author has a customer who thinks money gain and material goods can’t compensate for an empty love tank. How he sees it, a gorgeous house, luxury cars and a beach house don’t mean anything if your wife doesn’t love you.
2. Relationships evolve when the excitement of falling in love fades; communication is the only remedy.
You might have observed that some new expert or book always claims to know the key to a long-lasting marriage. Yet plenty of couples still struggle to keep their love afloat beyond the honeymoon phase, when the exhilaration of being in love dissipates. It makes you question how being in love impacts us, doesn’t it?
Well, being in love helps us view the world through rose-tinted glasses. Here’s how:
The in-love phenomenon distinguishes the first phase of attraction, which starts with partnerships. The compulsive, innate element of love is closest to our natural desire to reproduce and perpetuate the species. This initial phase impairs our judgment.
And it’s also been closely examined. For instance, psychologist Dorothy Tennov undertook in-depth research on the in-love phenomenon, and after studying hundreds of couples, she found that the average longevity of most partnerships centred upon romanticism was barely two years!
That’s because once the rapture of falling in love wears off, reality starts to set in. To survive this problematic transition, every couple must build an emotional atmosphere that lets them work through differences and fulfil each other’s emotional needs.
But how?
The first step in cultivating such a climate of real love in a marriage that’s advancing beyond its initial stages is effective communication. Because humans have emotional needs that the short-lived in-love experience can’t accommodate. So, as this feeling fades, couples need to work on emotional communication that can sustain their relationship over the long haul.
Not only that, but real love is a choice that means adopting a different attitude and a new way of thinking. It’s all about defining your expectations for the marriage and how you share them with and receive them from your partner.
3. People feel and express love differently, and understanding your partner’s love language is critical to a long-lasting relationship.
Most people know that language consists of more than words– body language, for instance, and tone of voice. Well, the language of love is equally complex. That’s because different people perceive love differently and use other words and actions to express it. Essentially, we all speak a different love language.
So, just like being multilingual can be to your advantage, understanding the different ways love is expressed will help you build a robust and happy relationship. But this requires couples to devote time to discovering the nuances of one another’s love language. It’ll be worth the effort because that’s the surest route to filling your partner’s love tank – a tool that will help you and your partner excel while supporting your relationship.
Misunderstandings arise even between partners who have known each other for ages. Usually, this is because one partner has incorrectly translated the other’s love language – an easy thing to do, considering that, though partners tend to share a lot of everyday habits, they often feel and express love differently. It’s uncommon for a person’s love language to correspond precisely with their partner's.
For instance, Mark and Andrea disagreed on everything except that they loved their kids. Mark knew Andrea was a good mother but didn’t feel her giving him affection. On the other hand, Andrea knew Mark was a great provider and caretaker for his family but complained that his 50-hour workweek left no time for him to be with his family.
The problem?
Mark’s primary language was physical touch, and Andrea’s was quality time.
As you can see, understanding your partner’s love language is essential. In the following summary, you’ll learn the grammar of all five love languages and how to identify which one your partner is speaking!
4. Positive, uplifting words of affirmation are a powerful way to express love.
Have you heard of the Greek philosopher Xenophon, one of Socrates’s students? Most people haven’t, but he said something that still rings true today: praise is the sweetest of all sounds. Words of admiration, praise and encouragement – nothing is sweeter.
In fact, this is the idea behind the love language, which is called the word of affirmation. Here’s how to speak it:
Give verbal compliments. This is most effective when done simply and straightforwardly; various encouraging, kind and humble words are all part of the words-of-affirmation language. For instance, you might tell your partner they look great in a new outfit, praise their ability to care for your children or tell them how much you appreciate their sense of humour.
But you want to broaden your vocabulary. In that case, you can keep a notebook where you write down various affirming words, whether in newspapers and magazines, on TV or in conversation with friends.
Another essential thing to remember is that words of affirmation can function beautifully as requests. However, when requests are heard as demands, the potential for intimacy deflates, and you risk scaring your partner off. So, it’s essential to ensure your words are interpreted as a request, meaning you’re giving guidance, not an ultimatum.
For example, one day, a woman entered the author’s office complaining that her husband hadn’t painted their bedroom even though she had been asking him for nine months!
The author’s advice?
He told her to stop mentioning the painting and complimenting her husband every time he did something she liked. She was sceptical but followed the author’s guidance, and a mere three weeks later, she told him it had worked. The trick was learning that giving verbal compliments is a much better incentive than making biting criticisms.
5. Spend quality time with your partner.
The modern age is a time of incessant distraction, and time is one of our most valued commodities. As a result, too many couples get distracted from the heart of romance – spending time together. This brings us to the second love language: quality time.
The key to this language?
Undivided attention.
It’s not enough to simply be together in the same room. Quality time is about focusing on your partner and nothing else, even if many distractions lurk behind every corner. Furthermore, spending quality time with your partner is a primary way for both of you to feel loved, respected and appreciated.
But remember: many married couples think they’re spending time together when they’re just spending time near each other. For instance, watching a football game or staring at a computer while chatting with your partner is not giving them the quality attention they need.
So, what exactly is quality time?
Either quality conversations or quality activities. You probably have a sense of the former, so here’s what the latter is:
A quality activity is something that one or both people want to be doing; it’s less about the event itself and more about the chance to express love for each other. Not only that, but the more common activities you share, the more memories you’ll have to look back on together in the future. These could be anything from strolling in a park, gardening, seeing a show or even preparing a meal together.
For instance, Emily loves visiting bookstores to scour the stacks for her next great read. Her husband, Jeff, is less enthusiastic about literature but shares this activity with Emily. He even helps her find books that she might enjoy.
Emily’s end of the deal has been learning to identify when Jeff’s patience is at the tipping point, and she knows not to spend too long browsing. As a result, Jeff happily pays for whatever books Emily ends up choosing.
6. Gifts are visual symbols of love, and surprising your partner with regular presents, regardless of their monetary value, is a great way to show affection.
Take a look at any culture, from the Mayans of long ago to the modern Eskimos living in the northern tundra, and you’ll see that giving gifts is a part of every marital process. Considering how central the giving of gifts is in all marriages, it’s essential to understand the love language of receiving gifts.
Here’s how it works:
If your partner’s primary love language is receiving gifts, pretty much every gift you give them will resonate as an expression of true love. That’s because gifts are physical symbols of love that materially express one person's love for another.
But what kind of gifts should you give?
It’s easy to find out what your partner likes by keeping track of all the presents that brought them excitement or joy over the years, whether from you or someone else. It can also be helpful to consult friends and family for gift-giving advice.
And remember: for people who speak the love language of receiving gifts, monetary value is not the main focus. In fact, the value lies in the whole process – from having the idea to give a gift, going out to get or make it and, finally, presenting this symbol of love to your partner.
For instance, when Doug gave gifts to his wife, Kate, he stopped when they married. This was a problem since Kate’s essential love language was receiving gifts. She quickly began feeling emotionally abandoned. The author asked Doug why he had stopped, and Doug said it had just cost him too much money.
Luckily, the author explained that the monetary value of the presents was insignificant, and Doug began showering Kate with random gifts of affection. This reversed Kate’s feelings of abandonment and gave Doug an easy way to express his love.
7. Doing valuable things for your partner is a common way to express love.
Does your partner often wish you would clean up after dinner, take out the trash or wash the car? If so, their primary love language might be acts of service. But how can you attend to this language?
The best way is to intentionally do helpful things for your partner. These acts of service are essentially things you know your partner would appreciate your handling – things like vacuuming or paying the bills, grocery shopping, helping the kids with their schoolwork or taking the dog to the vet.
But just as you can’t demand love, you can’t require acts of service from your partner. Nor can they from you. To be genuinely legitimate, such acts need to be voluntary. So, instead of asking what your partner can do for you, ask what you can do for your partner.
However, keep in mind that asking this question might require you to take a look at and maybe even adjust your views on traditional gender roles. For instance, running a home and caring for children is not necessarily a task for women; learning about acts of service requires you to decide your responsibilities, regardless of stereotypes.
Just consider Mark, who was raised in a family with a father who never lifted a finger to do household chores. His dad saw such tasks as women’s work and couldn’t imagine himself cleaning the floors or changing diapers. On the other hand, Mark saw how important it was to his wife Mary that he lend a hand around the house, so he let his gendered stereotypes go.
This allowed him to overcome his stereotypical understanding of his behaviour and communicate much love and respect to his wife.
8. Physical touch is a powerful way to show your love.
Did you know that babies who are caressed, held and kissed go on to lead healthier emotional lives than those who aren’t? It’s true, and it should be no surprise that physical touch is some people’s primary love language.
If it’s your partner’s primary language, you can communicate your love through physical touch – things like holding hands, kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse. It’s easy to incorporate such gestures into everyday life by having your partner’s hand in church or on your way to the movies. You can also try hugging and kissing your partner when someone else is around; it’s sure to make them feel extra appreciated.
For instance, Jocelyn Green is married to a military man. Although she and her partner often can’t be together physically, she’s found ways to feel connected to him while he’s overseas. If you and your partner also spend a lot of time away from one another, try to find a way to feel close. Wearing one of your partner’s old shirts while Skyping or sending them a picture can work wonders.
But when you are with your partner, you can try touching him or her in unexplored places and asking for feedback about what’s pleasurable. Remember, your partner is the only one who can say what feels good to them. In fact, it’s vital for both people in a relationship to take the time to learn how to touch and please each other. If you’re looking for creative ways to do so, you might find it helpful to study massage or read up on sexual techniques.
It’s also essential to understand which subtler forms of physical contact can fill your partner’s love tank. Vary the pressure of touch. Experiment! And, of course, you and your partner can only determine what’s appropriate and inappropriate when it comes to touch. That being said, physical abuse is always unacceptable and should be reported immediately.
9. Pinpoint your primary love language.
All right, now you know the five love languages, but how can you tell which one is your primary one? It’s actually pretty easy to find out:
First, ask yourself what you most often request of your partner. The things you ask for the most are likely the things you find most emotionally fulfilling. Then, follow your instincts and consider what comes to mind when you want to feel genuinely appreciated. Perhaps it’s spending time with someone or receiving praise.
Once you know what feels good, consider what your partner does that hurts you. In fact, painful relationship experiences can accurately guide finding your love language. Just think back on what your partners have failed to do for you.
For instance, if someone you were close to caused you severe pain or failed to show your love in the way you wanted, perhaps that person simply failed to understand how you desired to be loved. If all such instances fall in the same category, there’s a good chance that that category is your primary love language.
However, your upbringing also significantly affects the development of your love language. So it’s helpful to consider how your parents made you feel loved (or unloved) while growing up. Such memories are another path to figuring out which language you speak.
For example, Ella’s primary love language is receiving gifts, but to figure that out, she had to think about bad experiences from her childhood. Specifically, she recalled a Christmas morning when she was a little girl:
Her older brother put little effort into choosing her present and, to save time, gave her something he’d found lying around the house. By recalling this moment and remembering the emotional pain it had caused her, Ella saw how important receiving gifts was (and is!) to her.
And remember: once you pinpoint your and your partner’s love languages, use that knowledge. After all, communication is what true love is all about.
Final Summary
Many of the problems married couples face today are simply a result of feeling and expressing love in different ways. Learning other love languages will improve communication in your relationship, thus boosting your partner's emotional well-being.
Actionable advice: Help your partner through hard times with the greatest gift.
What’s the best present you could give your partner? To provide you with a hint, it’s not diamonds, flowers or a new car. It’s the gift of self – which simply means standing by your partner, especially during rough periods. So, simply being there during those difficult times – like pregnancy or a career upheaval – is crucial. You’ll be surprised by the impact you can make by committing to being present when the going gets tough.