Natural Help For Desperate Hearts in Difficult Marriages
A manifesto for mending marriages.
We've all seen it on the big screen and read about it in books. Two individuals fell in love at first sight. Then they marry, buy a house, raise children, and live happily ever after. It's a picture of perfection that influences how we think about married life. Unsurprisingly, when the first cracks develop in an otherwise good marriage, many of us worry and plan our getaway.
However, divorce is more complex than it appears. When a marriage starts to fall apart, it is usually due to underlying issues. These issues, if left unaddressed, have an unfortunate tendency to resurface in subsequent relationships. The genuine answer, therefore, is to address them. Love is not flawless, and marriage is not always what the movies portray. Working through challenges is as important to marriage as the honeymoon.
Fortunately, there are numerous tried-and-true tactics you can implement today to help mend your relationship.
In the following summary, you will learn.
How positivity makes even the most shattered relationships mendable.
Why shocking your partner might put your marriage on the path to healing; and
Why infidelity does not have to be the end of the relationship.
1. Divorce may appear to be a "easy" solution, yet it does not address profound emotional sorrow.
We live in a throw-away society. When the latest technological item hits the market, we don't hesitate to acquire it and replace our old equipment. That mentality is not limited to consumer things. When it comes to marriage, people are equally inclined to choose replacing the old with the new. However, divorce is not always the "easy" solution that it appears to be.
When people tell each other that they're having problems in their marriages, they typically want to hear that they should leave. However, marriages, unlike bad investments, cannot be abandoned as soon as their value collapses. Your partner is not a stock option, but rather a person with whom you form a profound tie based on love, even if only for a short period of time.
That is why divorce, the permanent dissolution of that link, is so emotionally draining. Then there's the practical obstacles. Consider Karin, one of the author's clients. Her life was much more difficult after her divorce. She realised she needed to work full-time to support her family, so she had less time to spend with her children. She felt depressed, worried, and tired.
Another reason divorce is often ineffective as a solution is because the issues it addresses reappear in all partnerships. Michael, another author customer, realised this after divorcing his wife. Their continual fighting was the root reason of the separation. After a few years, he met another woman and fell in love. He was confident that he would be happy in his new relationship.
He was wrong. A few months later, the couple got into difficulty. Michael's new partner had children from a prior marriage, and he resented how much time she spent on them rather than on him. He also tried to establish his authority in what was now his family. Divorce, it turned out, hadn't solved his difficulties.
So, if divorce isn't always the answer, what should you do when your marriage is on the rocks?
2. The most effective strategy to get through difficult times is to focus on the positive and strive to be more kind.
Sadness is contagious. When you're in a position that makes you sad, it's easy to get caught up in a cycle of suffering. But the only way out is to be optimistic. Staying positive will help you get through terrible situations.
So, how can you apply that concept to your marriage? The first step is to accept responsibility for your own responses. If you're continually thinking about everything that's going wrong and allowing it to bother you, things will definitely grow much worse. Keep the positives in mind, and you'll be on your way to improving the situation.
Take the author's client, Wendy. She was frustrated with her husband, who had been in and out of work for years. The author taught her to focus on the positives. Sure, money was tighter than usual, and the couple had to cut back on luxuries like their Netflix subscription. But it was alright. In reality, they'd spent far more time conversing and enjoying each other's company because they weren't watching TV every night!
Negativity is a feedback loop. The more you concentrate on the flaws in your marriage, the more critical you become of your spouse. Positivity operates in the same way. Concentrating on the positive aspects of your relationship will increase your love for it.
Let us return to Wendy. She discovered that by adopting a more positive attitude, she was able to provide greater assistance to her spouse. She promised him that he will soon find a more stable career. Meanwhile, she suggested that they sell some of their old items on Craigslist and put the proceeds into a "good times" fund. That way, they'd be able to enjoy lovely things like going out to eat or seeing a movie at the theatre.
It's an excellent illustration of how a positive mindset can empower you to be proactive and make concrete efforts to improve your marriage. And if Wendy can do it, you can too!
3. If your partner fails to fulfil your expectations, offer helpful feedback rather than criticism.
If you married someone, it was most likely because you believed they were responsible enough to bear the difficulties of marriage. However, things sometimes go differently than planned. Marriages can face challenges when one spouse fails to match the other's expectations.
Take the author's clients, Suzanne and Jamal. Suzanne was a highly motivated and competent salesperson who also devoted her time to her first kid from a previous marriage. Those were the things Jamal liked about his future wife. He felt he could take on the role of provider while Suzanne handled the home duties.
Jamal expected to return home to a clean house and a tasty home-cooked lunch. That's not how it turned out. Suzanne's time was absorbed by child care. Suzanne needed more time to clean or cook while caring for her first daughter and the couple's own kid, a second daughter. Jamal frequently returned from work to a disorganised home with no food in sight. He was disappointed with his wife.
It's tempting to be overly critical of your partner in such a scenario, but it rarely helps. The goal is to be constructive.
Jamal instantly realised that his first approach was a dead end. Criticising Suzanne's domestic management resulted in continuous disputes. That's when the pair approached the author for assistance. He persuaded Jamal to alter course. He apologised to his wife for his cruel remarks and asked her to suggest ways he could be a better husband in the future.
Suzanne asked him to adjust his regimen. Instead of whining about the clutter as soon as he walks into the house, he could call their two children and embrace and kiss them. After that, he should do the same to her. Jamal accepted and began doing what was expected of him. What was the result? Suzanne asked him what she could do to make his life easier. He soon found himself going home on a daily basis to the exquisite dinners he had longed for!
4. Sometimes you have to startle your partner to signal that there is an issue.
When the author makes public presentations, he frequently receives the same question. How, someone in the audience will undoubtedly inquire, do you deal with a workaholic spouse? After all, it's difficult to resolve issues with someone who was never present in the first place!
Sometimes the only way to deal with unresolved issues is to shock your partner. Take it from Amy and Jim. The latter was a proven workaholic. Amy rarely saw her husband due to the long hours he worked at the office. She'd tried to bring up the matter a few times, but nothing had came of it.
One day, she proposed a day trip. She drove Jim to a magnificent and expensive retirement home. They wandered through the property, pausing to admire the golf course, the magnificent dining rooms, the grand piano in the foyer, the immaculate lawns, and the lush garden. Jim increasingly became agitated. He asked Amy, "What are they doing here?" He wasn't scheduled to retire for another 27 years.
Amy informed him she couldn't wait another 27 years to spend time with her husband. She wanted her children to know who their father was. Most importantly, she wanted to spend her life with him. The only way to make that happen was for him to start taking more time off from work right now. Jim was stunned and burst into tears as he realised what was wrong.
The reason this type of approach frequently works is straightforward. When a partner fully understands that there is an issue, they are usually capable and eager to take action.
Jim, for example, realised why he had spent so much of his life working. His father had told him he would never amount to anything, and he intended to prove him wrong. But he also realised that, while he could achieve his objective and become a shining success in his professional life, the cost would be the loss of his wife and children.
When the problem was stated so simply, he recognised where his true priorities rested. Jim began looking for a new employment that offered more flexible working hours. He soon found one and began spending more quality time with his family. Finally, the solution was easy. The actual challenge had been identifying the problem!
5. Instead of arguing with your spouse, try to comprehend his or her dominating behaviour.
Sometimes, spouses become unduly controlling. They want to know where and with whom their husband or wife has been as soon as they return home. This can easily make their spouses feel trapped in. However, there are solutions. What's the key? Rather than confronting them directly, try to understand what motivates their dominating behaviour. And that necessitates understanding the psychology underlying it.
Two points stick out. First, controlling spouses enjoy independence - as long as it is their own. Making their partner comply with their wishes boosts their sense of freedom. Second, most dominating spouses have an intense want to feel significant. Achieving their personal goals is how they acquire that feeling. If their partner's wishes get in the way, it's even harder for them.
Criticising dominating behaviour will not get you far. Arguing with a controller only encourages them to claim back until they get their way. The best answer is far subtler. It boils down to accepting their arguments but not allowing them to impact your own.
Say your spouse wishes to retire early. They begin to cut expenses and save money. Soon, they'll be discussing installing water-saving showerheads that decrease the flow of water to a trickle. Your best approach in this circumstance is to agree that conserving more money is a good idea while simultaneously explaining why you are unwilling to give up this luxury. How about modestly decreasing the weekly food budget?
Of course, they may not agree. If they go ahead and install the new showerhead anyhow, you can remain firm and insist that it is not a comfort you are ready to forego. Tell them you'll do it yourself if they keep their head the same within a week. Your partner will complain, but they will unlikely reinstall the cost-effective showerhead once you have made this line in the sand.
Remember that your position is both reasonable and non-negotiable. The dominating spouse must learn that they cannot make all decisions.
6. Dealing with a verbally abusive spouse necessitates a strategy and a strong stance.
Unfortunately, verbal abuse is relatively common in marriages. Partners constantly degrade their husbands or wives, implying that they are foolish or inadequate. Dealing with this level of hostility is difficult, but it is possible. All you need is a strategy and lots of love.
Let us start with your plan. Consider it a road plan to a healthy marriage. The first stage is to communicate your intentions to your partner. If they are prepared to modify their abusive behaviour, you can develop a plan together, with or without the assistance of a therapist. If they aren't, you'll have to tell them that you're no longer willing to tolerate their verbal abuse.
Consider Megan, one of the author's clients. Her husband Barry's nasty and degrading behaviour has made her miserable and despondent. She informed him she wouldn't put up with it anymore. The next time he verbally abused her, she would depart to spend time with her family. She did this, she explained, because she loved him and believed in their relationship.
Megan stuck to her strategy and threatened to leave the next time he got aggressive. Over time, Barry reconsidered his behaviour and learned to control his caustic tongue.
As you might expect, putting this kind of plan into effect involves a lot of patience and, most importantly, love. It takes a lot of self-control not to respond in kind and become equally abusive, but it's worth the effort. After all, you don't want to exacerbate the problem and cause additional pain for yourself and your partner.
Similarly, remaining loving in these situations is challenging but essential. That does not imply that you should adore your spouse at that moment. In this context, love entails thinking about and acting in the best interests of both parties. Sometimes, the only way to express love is to take a hard stance. Megan was doing precisely that when she left Barry. Sweetness is sometimes the most excellent solution, such as giving your spouse a tiny gift after a disagreement.
The goal is to maintain compassion while preserving your own interests. This is the only way to end the cycle of abusive behaviour.
7. Being given the silent treatment is frustrating, but it typically indicates unfulfilled emotional needs.
You can be the most positive and talkative person in the world, but you still have marriage troubles if your partner refuses to speak things out. What makes matters worse is that nothing is more frustrating than being subjected to the silent treatment.
Take it from Katelyn, a woman who sought the author's guidance after her husband, Chris, refused to speak with her for days. The circumstances had made her feel powerless. When she asked him what was wrong, he stood up and stomped out of the room.
The problem began when Katelyn informed Chris that she was arranging a weekend getaway to the beach with two female coworkers. Chris was plainly upset by her short trip, and this passive-aggressive routine was his method of "communicating" it, but Katelyn had no idea what the issue was. He'd gone on vacation with his coworker, and she'd never made such a fuss.
However, when this occurs, it is good to take a deep breath and overcome your irritation. Why? Typically, the silent treatment indicates that your partner's emotional needs are not being addressed.
Katelyn became aware of this, thanks to the author. When they investigated the situation, it became evident that Katelyn's fame and large group of friends made Chris feel neglected. He was worried that he wasn’t the number-one priority in her life. The silent treatment, in other words, was a symptom of a serious emotional condition.
Chris’s actions were undoubtedly improper, but it was also his way of telling Katelyn that he loved her. Looking back over the previous months, she realized she’d been so busy that there hadn’t been much time left to be physically intimate with her spouse. That gave her a sense of clarity. Rather than abandoning her weekend plans, she attempted to connect more closely with Chris before going away.
8. Infidelity doesn’t have to be a deal breaker as long as your partner can forgive you.
Ever heard the expression “I plight thee my troth?” It’s essentially an old-fashioned way of saying that you’ll be faithful to your partner, and it was long used in wedding vows. The core idea that fidelity is the foundation of marriage is still quite potent – so much so, in fact, that adultery is usually regarded as a deal breaker.
If you look at it from another viewpoint, however, infidelity can potentially be considered as a chance to heal a relationship. Sounds counterintuitive, right? But there are good reasons to think about it in this way.
First off, cheating is often a symptom of an underlying problem. When Johanna and Raphael came to the author, it seemed like their marriage was over. Raphael had just found out that his wife had been having an affair for the last two years. But when they looked more deeply at their connection, he soon learned that he was partly responsible for the problem.
Despite being affectionate and compassionate, Raphael hadn’t met Johanna’s needs for a balanced, equal partnership. Generally, he had made all the crucial decisions without even consulting her. He took her interests into account, but that wasn’t the issue. Johanna felt left out. Her husband was treating her as a father might treat a child — a dynamic that, unfortunately, also had terrible repercussions on their love life.
All that explained why the affair had happened, but it didn’t heal the couple’s marriage. For that to happen, the betrayed partner first needs to totally forgive their spouse.
That takes time. Over the first few months of counselling, Johanna felt highly remorseful. She tried to intellectualize what had transpired and blame it all on Raphael’s overly controlling demeanour. After a while, however, she understood that she would have to ask him for his forgiveness. Doing that showed Raphael that she had recognised his emotional distress and was devoted to repairing their relationship. That gave them both a better assurance regarding the other’s affection. Raphael resolved to modify his ways while Johanna swore that she’d be true.
Examples like Raphael and Johanna’s merely go to prove that the most significant challenges can be overcome before divorce becomes inevitable. With the help of therapy and self-reflection, couples can overcome their issues and begin to heal their marriages.
Final Summary
Marriage is often messy. When things get very rough, it frequently feels like the most straightforward approach is simply walking away. But it isn’t. The difficulties that led to the breakdown of one challenging relationship generally return to the next. The only solution is to heal the underlying emotional problems with the help of therapy and self-reflection. Do that, and you’ll have all the tools you need to protect yourself and your partner. Start communicating healthily and lovingly.
Actionable advice: Learn to speak “I” instead of “you.”
Talking about yourself and your feelings rather than flinging accusations at your partner is a basic tenet of productive communication. Saying comments like “You deceived me,” “You’re so selfish” or “You don’t love me” is likely to put your partner on the defensive, leading to little more than useless clashes and arguments. Emphasize the “I,” on the other hand, and you can start genuinely talking your concerns out. Saying “I feel hurt and betrayed,” “I feel sad”, or “I feel unloved” opens the door to your partner, inviting them to understand and empathize with your sentiments.