Overcoming the Terror of Death
Learn how to live by reflecting on your mortality.
One day, you'll die. We all are. It can be a really morbid concept. Scary, even.
Hearing it triggers a rush of worry in your chest. Or maybe you feel a creeping dread? It's something that everyone who has ever lived has in common, but it's a subject that many people naturally avoid.
This summary of Irvin D. Yalom's Staring at the Sun explains how people's fear of mortality affects their lives and what they can do about it. You'll hear about real-life examples of people who have been paralyzed by the notion of death, as well as some who find it motivating or even inspiring.
You'll also learn about some of the "big" philosophers' perspectives on death and the therapist's. Reflecting on your mortality can help you find meaning, reduce routine absurdities, and focus on the present.
Are you ready to embark on a journey through death that will help you rediscover the art of living?
1. What exactly does death anxiety look like?
Many people avoid thinking about their mortality. Then, one day, they realize they can't avoid it. Perhaps it is a sign of aging, a health concern, or the death of a loved one. Maybe it is only a persistent thought. Death is the most fundamental fear in nature, and everyone must meet it at some point.
Mary was 32 years old when she reported waking up to the sharp reality that her mortality was not a mere possibility. Until that point, she had always imagined another version of herself at the end of their lives, possibly old or sick and ready to die. But the truth was that one day she would die. That person would not be a persona she had created, someone different from herself. One day, the person she was today will die. She was suddenly afraid.
For weeks, Mary was tormented by her own mortality. Her concern was what is known as overt death anxiety, which is the conscious awareness of one's impending death. Others experience more specific phobias, such as imagined deaths or dreams of violent endings.
However, death phobias are not always clear. Often, covert death dread creeps just below the surface. The subject of mortality is avoided, and latent fears are projected onto other aspects of life.
Susan, a middle-aged accountant, experienced severe sorrow after her son was arrested for cocaine possession. While it is understandable that a mother would be outraged in that situation, Susan's reaction was severe. Her health and hygiene deteriorated. She was crippled by emotion, frequently crying and unable to work. She couldn't stop having nightmares of her son dying in prison, whether she was awake or sleeping.
Her son's drug issue was no surprise. He was a recovered addict at the time of his incarceration and had experienced multiple relapses, which Susan had previously dealt with. So, what was the difference this time?
Working with her therapist, Susan understood how her son had become vital to her identity and self-worth. Like many parents, she saw her kid as a means of symbolic self-extension via future generations. Susan's son's predicament forced her to confront her own death as she approached a milestone birthday. She perceived it as a threat to her own life.
Susan sought therapy because she needed help dealing with her feelings for her kid. But what she truly needed to work on was her sentiments about her own life. Over the next few months, she worked on readjusting her priorities. Instead of focusing on a hypothetical future in which she could survive, she worked on creating a satisfying life in the present. She started living for herself.
As a result, various people's perceptions of death anxiety vary greatly. It might be an exaggerated reaction to natural aging symptoms, such as focusing on white hair or age spots. Perhaps it emerges as career or retirement anxiety. Even hoarding practices can be an attempt to assert control over the physical environment while avoiding natural transitions. Displacement can cause covert death anxiety, which is the projection of existential agony onto commonplace concerns.
Anxiety about the end of your life, whether particular or simmering beneath the surface, is a severe and frequently disregarded problem. You could feel helpless. But, at some point, everyone needs to confront this particular dread. So, how do you live knowing you're going to die? We'll get into that next.
2. The good in knowing you're about to die
Death anxiety is widespread, but it does not have to be debilitating. While contemplating mortality may initially be upsetting, it can also have positive consequences. Let us begin by looking at how death might provide you with a life perspective and assist you in escaping the absurdity of ordinary life in search of true significance.
Julia was 49 years old when she decided to seek therapy. Julia, a psychologist, had noticed a significant difference after the death of a close friend two years ago. She'd become worried and avoided activities she used to enjoy, believing they'd become too unsafe. Her work was productive, but she had sacrificed her artistic passion to achieve financial stability. She continued to develop stuff but never completed it.
Nonetheless, Julia and her husband made a lot of money. It would have been simple for her to reduce her workload and devote more time to her artistic pursuits, which she found rewarding.
Julia realized in therapy that fear, rather than money, stifled her passions. Julia was far more terrified of following her goals and failing - of being a "bad" artist - than of reducing her workload to have more time for herself. Furthermore, she realized that her financial concentration stemmed from competitive dynamics with her spouse rather than a need for security.
What would she say if one of her patients presented with these issues? She would undoubtedly find their lives ludicrous. Regardless of some idealized appraisal, simply using her gifts satisfied her. Rather than trivializing existence, Julia's conscious death reflection helped her value the present moment. Leaning into her anxiety about impermanence helped her focus on what was important.
James' difficulties, like Julia's, began with a death. When he was 16, his older brother was involved in an automobile accident and died. As an adult, he couldn't recall much of it. The only thing that stood out was that he was the only one who didn't cry during his brother's funeral.
However, James continued to see his siblings during treatment sessions. He was a paralegal who despised his profession and struggled with alcoholism and social isolation. His only actual link was his strained marriage. Despite an Ivy League education, James became preoccupied with paranormal events and conspiracy theories, which he eventually realized were a strategy to keep his brother alive while also feeling like he was pursuing something worthwhile in his own life.
Eventually, James' maladaptive coping mechanisms failed. James got new insight by honestly addressing his avoidance of the awful fact of mortality. He quit drinking cold turkey and began a new seeing-eye dog trainer career. Exploring his mortality offered significance for James in helping others in need.
Julia and James are two examples of how existential fear and death anxiety can lead to a positive change in your life. When dealing with death anxiety, the first step is to admit that it exists and examine the discomforts that those thoughts accentuate. What does it mean to live every day as if it were your last chance to fully embody this world and your identity? What triggered that fear, and why?
3. What are the wise men saying?
So, how can you make death anxiety a pleasurable experience? Let's discuss some of the big ideas philosophers and psychologists have used to find purpose in life by confronting its end.
Epicurus, an ancient Greek philosopher, felt that death dread arose from regret over past mistakes and fear of the future. However, he reasoned, death itself produces no problems. If death marks the end of the experience, then no one can suffer damage after death. Accepting its inevitability alleviates its dread.
When faced with death, people frequently experience a longing for significance. It's easy to feel despondent or like your life is unimportant if it will all end regardless. However, something can be temporary and have a purpose.
The phrase "rippling" refers to the impact that your life can have on those outside of your immediate circle. Your acts resonate. Kindness promotes kindness, just as cruelty breeds brutality. The way you treat others impacts their lives, and your actions impact future generations. Your life will have a long-term effect on people you directly or indirectly affect. Although death takes your body, your influence lives on.
Acknowledging that you will die is valuable to Schopenhauer, the German philosopher, as it distinguishes you from other beings unaware of the end. This self-awareness of mortality provides perspective on life's minor irritations, humbling your daily concerns. Gaining perspective on how you'll be reduced to atomic ash makes scratching a car bumper or failing a test seem insignificant.
Another German philosopher, Nietzsche, argued that discarding life as worthless resulted from not bravely pursuing one's full potential. He presented a thought exercise to determine whether your life has been personally meaningful. Assume you are told tomorrow that you must repeat this life indefinitely, including your worst pains and most significant states of bliss. Would you feel joy or despair?
According to Nietzsche, you should strive to live a worthwhile and well-lived life that makes the prospect of repeating it indefinitely seem like a gift. A person who has lived an unexamined life of resignation, avoidance, and wasted potential is likely to be filled with dread at the prospect of sustaining such an existence. This endless repetition can be used to assess your pleasure with life.
The unifying thread connecting these philosophical beliefs is that you actively participate in life. You create your own meaning, and your acts should be intentional and consistent with your unique ideals. Small steps ripple into waves of influence that transcend beyond your one life - and you get to choose where those steps take you.
4, existential to empathetic.
In the 40 years that Jack had been married, his wife had used narcotics every day. It was terrible for him to accept and even more painful to acknowledge that, despite being well-educated and respected in his field, he had allowed his wife's addiction and desire for secrecy to entirely isolate him from the rest of the world. He was scarcely sleeping, with nightmares of death consuming what little sleep he did get. He loved his wife, but he was worried about dying alone.
There are two kinds of loneliness. One is everyday loneliness, or the desire for interpersonal interaction. Humans are social beings, and as society becomes more interconnected, many people have become more isolated. We can see this solely by how we handle the dying.
The second type of loneliness is existential. Each person exists within their own subjective perception of reality. This suggests an unbridgeable separation between people, a solitude that comes with being unique. Confronting your mortality often brings this existential solitude to the forefront; dying is a process you will go through alone, no matter how attached you are to life.
Jack illustrates the sorrow of loneliness in the face of mortality. Despite his professional standing, Jack's wife's secrecy about addiction isolated him from assistance as death's loneliness approached. Empathy and vulnerability, however, can foster connection.
Human connection is compelling. It's a mistake to believe that philosophy can help you get out of existential anxiety. Ideas and arguments are less practical than simply being with people and knowing that someone has comprehended some aspect of you or that you understand some aspect of them.
Sure, no one will ever know you completely. However, the more you share of yourself and allow others to share with you, the more you exist outside your life. Relationships and communities offer significance and purpose beyond your years. Coming to terms with your mortality is almost always accompanied by a growing appreciation for life.
Jack's dreams and panic episodes subsided as he began to reconnect with the outside world. He reached out to those he had grown estranged from and was shocked to find he could trust them. Writing, too, was an essential instrument. He started taking classes and discovered that putting a part of himself out there helped to connect him to the rest of humanity.
And what can you do to stay connected to your fellow humans? Here are a few ideas: Volunteer for causes that reflect your beliefs. Help future generations overcome the difficulties that kept you back. Create things that allow others to better understand your inner world. Listen. Through your activities, show others that they are not alone. And remember, if you recognize yourself in anything in this summary, you are not alone.
5. Assisting someone else with death anxiety.
Let's wrap up this summary by discussing ways to help someone else deal with their death anxiety. Although this is primarily geared at therapists, it is also essential information for anyone struggling with death anxiety themself or attempting to understand and assist someone in a nonprofessional capacity. So, how can you effectively support others when they face mortality?
The first step is to meet them where they are and show empathy and compassion. Judgment or avoidance will only exacerbate anxiety. Next, investigate the source of their distress compassionately. Often, covert fears are shifted onto everyday worries; we may uncover the issues that death's shadow obscures.
Focusing on the present moment is a critical approach that might help you overcome your anxieties about dying. The goal is to focus on the person's thoughts, emotions, and physiological sensations throughout the treatment. You'll need to help your patients focus on the present rather than becoming lost in the vacuum before them.
While it may be intimidating, dreams can help you understand your patient's current situation. This is not an esoteric search but rather a practical one. Dreams are a product of a person's mind and internal life; thus, how they feel and act in their dreamscape can reveal much about their psychological state.
Encourage your clients to live consciously. Ask them what is actually essential to them right now. When the days count down, the present moment becomes even more meaningful. Encourage them to make modest efforts that spread optimism, knowing that they can continue their journey by touching the lives of others.
No words can remove the underlying desolation that dying implies. But relatable humanity helps to bridge that gap. Encourage relationships, community, and communication. Support groups are another valuable source of care and connection among peers. That link, however, also includes you. You must bridge the confining limits your patient is in by being vulnerable and honest. It's a balancing act. You want to retain a professional distance, but they should also see your compassion.
Finally, remember to do the work yourself. If you have yet to face your own mortality, it will be tough. Pay attention to your actions. What makes you uncomfortable when discussing death? Why do you feel this way? When you understand your own avoidance, you can begin to recognize it in others.
Final Summary
Confronting mortality, however upsetting, provides secrets for living actively. Focusing on the end of life acquires perspective, helping you prioritize the present, reduce absurdities, and find meaning.
You've seen how death anxiety manifests in subtle ways, projected onto mundane stresses; how directly confronting mortality triggered positive change for those lost in avoidance; and how philosophical concepts reveal death as a yardstick for a life well-lived, with ramifications for generations beyond your own.
Connection is at the heart of it all, both with your fellow humans and with the fleeting nature of this life. Confronting the alone of mortality is a reminder that your influence lives on via those you affect.
One day, you'll die. You already know this. But you are currently living. So, how are you planning to make the most of it?